Rape: who is to blame?

I’m going to talk about something I don’t often speak about but I’ve seen something that has quite frankly pissed me off and I need to say something. A few people have posted pictures of a campaign by the NHS and I’m disgusted. It advertises that one in three rapes happen when the victim is drunk.

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Imagine a 17-year-old girl goes for a drink with her mates one night, ok she’s underage but by 3 months. It’s only a quiet local pub. She chats to the regulars as always, enjoying a white wine spritzer. One night she goes back to one of the lads houses, he lives a few roads away and she’s chatted to him for a few years. She enjoys a few vodkas and then mentions she wants to go home. She’s persuaded to have one more drink and gives in reluctantly, not wanting to be the party pooper. Next thing she can’t move from the couch, lying there scared but feeling silly when everyone laughs coz she explains how she’s feeling. She doesn’t realise she’s been spiked.

The next bit is all a bit of a blur but then she wakes up with a sharp pain, one of the men is inside her, the pain searing through her body as he thrusts as hard as he can. She goes to scream but her punches her to the floor and carries on… He finishes and leaves her lying there scared and hurting, not knowing what has happened, what to do, how it happened. Too afraid to get up and leave the house for a good while after, then going home and sobbing hysterically because of the pain. Imagine how she would feel when she sees a poster like that.

I can tell you that she would feel partly to blame, like she can’t tell anyone in case they told her it was he own stupid fault, like they wouldn’t take her seriously because she’d been ‘asking for it’. How do I know this?

‘She’ is me.

I didn’t report it until three days later and even then I was too scared to tell my parents so decided not to proceeded. And I can tell you now its my biggest regret not having the courage to speak out when it happened. I now know the attacker is a cab driver and it sickens me to think of him working the Saturday night shift, picking up some young girl, probably drunk but even if not still helpless. I could’ve done something to take this creature off the streets but my fear of being judged prevented me from doing so. So now while he probably doesn’t even remember me, I still carry guilt.

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I know I’m not alone in suffering in silence for that reason. This campaign is just going to silence even more people who go through it as this poster sends out the message that you’re partly to blame if you’re drunk. There is one person at fault and that is the rapist. Simple. It also makes people like myself feel like their story is less serious than those who suffer rape while sober, that shouldn’t be the case at all. I understand them wanting to stop binge drinking but is rape the right way?? There are enough stupid regrets that people feel after a drink so why pick on the one that ISN’T THEIR FAULT?

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38 thoughts on “Rape: who is to blame?

    1. Ally C

      Thank u. Its something that has bothered me since but something I can’t help. I hope one day someone speaks out against him, until then I have to try and use my voice to help others that may find themselves in the same awful situation. X

  1. Mardy Kerrie

    You are not to blame one bit. Nobody is ‘asking’ for anything. What he did was sick and vile – you have nothing to feel ashamed about. I agree with your post – the education should be aimed at the rapists – consent should be taught. Boys should be told that no means no, they can’t just take what they want. xxx

    1. Ally C

      Thank u. I am totally disgusted with this message and I’m glad others agree and don’t just see it as me kickin up a fuss for no reason! There should never be mixed messages given about the boundaries of rape for any reason. X

  2. Rebecca Jones

    This is disgusting! Is this a recent NHS poster?? There is no situation where a victim is ever to blame for being raped! This is perpetuating patriarchy! It also makes a mockery of men, like they have no control over their actions… Like it’s the norm to take advantage of someone who is intoxicated. Really angered by this! Well done for what must have been a difficult post to write x

    1. Ally C

      Thanks. It was hard to write as I never really open up about it, but I felt I had to with this. I’m unsure as to whether its a current poster or not but I intend on finding out and writing to the NHS if it is. There should never be any message given other than that its the fault of the rapist, too many people are already silent as it is. X

  3. The little things..

    You are not to blame, the only person to blame is the offender knowing that his victim isn’t consenting, This broke my heart to read, you are a very brave young woman and I hope this helps others out there xxx

  4. Dadwhoblogs

    As a bloke I’m struggling to understand the thought that must have gone through this guys head. I’ve tried to in some way understand in what way a 17 year old girl who has been clearly drugged is ‘Asking for it’.

    1. Ally C

      Thanks, I’m glad I have a mans view on this too. Men feel they have to hide away with this kind of conversation but its good to hear what men think. xx

  5. Meriannen

    This just made me sick to my stomach, I’m so sorry that you have experienced something as horrid as that! As others have said as well, you are not to be blamed – it’s always the one who goes and takes advantage of another.

    I wish I could give you a hug, and go to the past and give that guy a good load from the heart and tell the younger you to be brave and not to blame herself!

    *hugs* xx

    1. Ally C

      Thank you :). Honestly I have learnt to deal with it and it is locked away in a box that is only opened once in a while for me to have a good whinge, then it goes straight back in the box! I just hope by speaking out I can prevent someone else from suffering in silence. xx

  6. HodgePodgeDays

    You’re so brave talking about this. It’s only by talking openly about things that they become less taboo and easier for victims to come forward. I was sexually assaulted at work in 2009. Sure I could’ve done things differently but then so could my attacker. I don’t blame myself at all, neither should you. Keep talking. It does help xx

    1. Ally Post author

      Extremely late reply but thank you so much. It’s definitely a misleading poster that is part of a misleading campaign. Epic fail from the NHS there! x

  7. Kat | Beau Twins

    Oh hun, you are incredibly brave to speak out! I have so much respect for you. I hope this encourages those that have had this happen to them to speak up and report it. I am so sorry this happened to you. It shouldn’t have and you are not to blame. It’s the sick, twisted, weird sado’s that are to blame and they should be ashamed of themselves. I hope he rots in hell. I do believe in karma, I’ve experienced it on a level I didn’t think I would. I hope you have closure my gorgeous one. I hope that this no longer haunts you. I hope you can feel past that pain and scared feeling. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. Never forget it. Xxxxx

    1. Ally Post author

      Thank you so much Kat, your words mean a lot. It’s taken me so long to reach the stage where I can finally speak out about it and not blame myself. If I can help others in overcoming that hurdle then it makes it all worth it. Thank you, you are a true beauty xxx

    1. Ally Post author

      Thank you so much. It took me years to accept it wasn’t my fault, that I wasn’t asking for it somehow because I went back to the house. I hope that in me telling my story others feel they can speak out and accept that fact themselves x

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  10. Mrs TeePot (@MrsTeepot)

    Such a brave post. Personally shocked and disgusted that anyone is running a campaign like that, let alone the NHS, surely they of all people should know better. Rape is never the fault of the victim. I am firmly in the camp that believes we should teach people not to rape, not everyone else how to avoid being raped

    1. Ally Post author

      Thanks for reading and leaving such a supportive comment. I was the same, how can the NHS approve of such a damaging campaign?? x

    1. Ally Post author

      Thank you. I was disgusted when I saw the poster, I couldn’t help but get annoyed! I just hope it never stops anyone reporting it in fear of being judged. x

  11. Kate Holmes

    Well said! One person to blame and definitely not you. So sorry you went through this and wonder if you could still report at this late stage? There is no excuse for rape, not ever!

    1. Ally Post author

      Thanks Kate! I would love to be able to report it for piece of mind, getting the bastard known would do us all some good I think. And yes, rape is the fault of the rapist and no-one else, people need to remember that! x

    1. Ally Post author

      Thank you. Thankfully I have learnt to deal with it so it has minimal impact on my life now, I want to share my story to help anyone else going through the same thing though if I can x

  12. Sam

    You can definitely still report it – obviously it would be harder to prove as no forensics but suppose another victim (or a couple of others) have come forward – your account would then help to build a picture – and even if the guy doesn’t get convicted taxi drivers have to have a DBS check and those who make the disclosures are not bound by criminal convictions but make their judgement based on the balance of probability. So sorry you had to experience this – brave girl to write this xx

    1. Ally Post author

      Thank you. I really am trying to work up the bottle to do so, for all the reasons you pointed out. Hopefully one day soon I will find myself in the station telling them all! x

  13. Hannah Budding Smiles

    Well done for speaking out Ally. This disgusts me, the same as the female judge who spoke out the other week for young girls not to go out drinking – I got slated by some people for voicing my opinion on that but while I think it’s wise for all people to try and be careful, at the end of the day a rapist is always the person at fault xx

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