I always gush about my baby boy but I can’t help it. I’m so in love with the kid and love watching him grow into a proper little person;getting to see his cheeky little personality showing more and more daily. He is eager to learn at the moment, he’s hungry for an education which is great. I’m not going to make out he’s a child prodigy but he wants to grow, wants to learn and wants to explore.
This makes me so proud. For anyone who reads my blog regularly you’ll know I suffer a severe lack of confidence at times, this is a result of my being bullied, domestic violence and a sexual assault. My biggest fear when having a child was that my baby would feel as inadequate as me, would feel as worthless as me and would allow people to emotionally batter them. Watching J lately my worries are slowly fading.
We went to a family party on Sunday. I panicked as soon as we got to the door. All I could hear was the thumping music and could see the bigger kids running around in their fancy dress costumes playing with balloons. It was a party, I don’t know what else I expected. I walked in thinking it wasn’t going to work and that J would probably hate it. How wrong I was! He loved the funky lights, spent most of the time crawling between people’s feet not even bothering to turn around as he often does to make sure I was there. He was in his element! I could’ve cried with utter pride, I fell in love with the kid all over again.
It’s the same at playgroup, he loves playing with the other kids. At first I would stand close to keep an eye on him, now I find myself walking to the side so he forgets I’m even there. I’m so happy he can do this, I was worried that my anxiety would’ve left him insecure and clingy after not really being exposed to other kids. There were times when I felt so guilty and felt like my mental health was going to have a major impact on J for the sole reason we couldn’t get out for so long. Now I realise that because I fought it head on and dealt with it straight away the impact is minimal.
I also realise after speaking to other mums how common this is. Getting to playgroup can be the biggest hurdle for a new mum; its huge! Going somewhere you don’t know anyone, unsure as to not only how you will cope but how your baby will, having to be a mum in front of other mums… It’s a lot for us to do.
I think my biggest fear I need to get over next is being a mum in public. I’m confident enough in my mothering skills to know that my son will probably be brought up to be a kind polite kid with ambition and passion. In public? I fall apart in fear of being judged and try to keep me and him out of sight. It’s a horrible feeling but that’s my next hurdle to get over in order to provide him with a consistent upbringing.
I’m enjoying motherhood even more than I expected, including these difficult hurdles. If it wasn’t for my son I probably wouldn’t even have the motivation to fight for mental wellbeing…