After my positive streak it was a bit annoying to feel so lonely again last night, I’d been doing so well getting used to nights on my own when J goes to his dads. But last night the loneliness really did hit again. I took myself to bed at 9pm and cried before getting the earliest night I’ve had for a long time, purely just to end the day. I was hoping I’d wake up in a more positive frame of mind but unfortunately that didn’t happen and so I had my first flare up of anxiety for months.
I went to get J from his dad early in the morning so that I could take him to playgroup. I’ve not taken him since his dad moved out in May because we’re still trying to work out a routine and so far that routine hasn’t included playgroup. I want J to start going weekly before he starts nursery in September, so I changed the routine to be able to fit it in. I didn’t realise how long it had been since I’d taken him until I started to feel really anxious on the way. I was already in a self loathing mood from the night before so I was expecting a bit of anxiety, not as much as it was though.
I kept on going though until I got there, telling myself I’m ok, that I’ve been so many times before and always got through it. I was determined I was going. And I got there! I was chuffed with myself, I managed to feel a little calmer as I took our jackets off to go in, I thought that was the worst of it. But as soon as I walked into the hall and saw so many parents and children I fell apart. The tears were dripping slowly one-by-one, I was trying to disguise it but I really don’t think I managed to hide anything! I was so overwhelmed.
I kept telling myself to stay, watching J run around having fun made me feel like I had to stay, like I had no option and so I told myself to stick it out and that I’d calm down in a few minutes. Unfortunately I continued to get worse and eventually felt my chest tightening and the tears begin to stream down my face. I grabbed my boy and I ran.
Luckily my mum lives really close and I went straight to hers to calm myself down. I had a good chat to her and while I’m annoyed with myself for not trying to get J to more playgroups in the last few months, I at least know now where I need to keep working so that I don’t completely fall back into the severity of anxiety I had this time last year.
Playgroups have always been my biggest trigger and will probably continue to be so, and getting J to nursery is going to be one of the biggest challenges for me. I have a few months over the summer to try to work on it. I overcame the anxiety once before so I’m ready to do it again.