My first flare up of anxiety for months

After my positive streak it was a bit annoying to feel so lonely again last night, I’d been doing so well getting used to nights on my own when J goes to his dads. But last night the loneliness really did hit again. I took myself to bed at 9pm and cried before getting the earliest night I’ve had for a long time, purely just to end the day. I was hoping I’d wake up in a more positive frame of mind but unfortunately that didn’t happen and so I had my first flare up of anxiety for months.

I went to get J from his dad early in the morning so that I could take him to playgroup. I’ve not taken him since his dad moved out in May because we’re still trying to work out a routine and so far that routine hasn’t included playgroup. I want J to start going weekly before he starts nursery in September, so I changed the routine to be able to fit it in.  I didn’t realise how long it had been since I’d taken him until I started to feel really anxious on the way. I was already in a self loathing mood  from the night before so I was expecting a bit of anxiety, not as much as it was though. 

I kept on going though until I got there, telling myself I’m ok, that I’ve been so many times before and always got through it. I was determined I was going. And I got there! I was chuffed with myself, I managed to feel a little calmer as I took our jackets off to go in, I thought that was the worst of it. But as soon as I walked into the hall and saw so many parents and children I fell apart. The tears were dripping slowly one-by-one, I was trying to disguise it but I really don’t think I managed to hide anything! I was so overwhelmed. 

I kept telling myself to stay, watching J run around having fun made me feel like I had to stay, like I had no option and so I told myself to stick it out and that I’d calm down in a few minutes. Unfortunately I continued to get worse and eventually felt my chest tightening and the tears begin to stream down my face. I grabbed my boy and I ran.

Luckily my mum lives really close and I went straight to hers to calm myself down. I had a good chat to her and while I’m annoyed with myself for not trying to get J to more playgroups in the last few months, I at least know now where I need to keep working so that I don’t completely fall back into the severity of anxiety I had this time last year. 

Playgroups have always been my biggest trigger and will probably continue to be so, and getting J to nursery is going to be one of the biggest challenges for me. I have a few months over the summer to try to work on it. I overcame the anxiety once before so I’m ready to do it again.

The end of my blip
My fitness plan

16 thoughts on “My first flare up of anxiety for months

  1. occupation:(m)other

    I’m new to your blog so don’t know any history but I think it’s amazing that in the light of some severe anxiety you are not only able to deal with it in the moment…remove yourself, find a safe place and discuss…but also you realise the trigger which means, as you say, you can work on it not taking over. Baby steps. And I bet your son had a great day, he probably loved the surprise visit to his grandmother more than a roomful of strangers!
    Thinking of you, anxiety is rubbish but there are ways of living with it and it sounds like you have a positive history of dealing with this challenge. Look forward to reading more. Lucy xxx

  2. Alison

    I agree you handled it really well. Anxiety is a bastard, and such a vicious circle too. Would it help to get there early so that you’re not walking into a massive roomful of people, and you can get yourself settled and playing as other people arrive? Or perhaps a children’s centre where the staff might be more understanding and able to help if you do feel overwhelmed? It’s tough, I know, but it sounds like you’re doing incredibly well

  3. Alison

    By the way, thinking over what I wrote in my first comment I realise it might have come over a bit ‘Why don’t you just do THIS and all your problems will be solved’ – I hope it didn’t come across that way. I know what a shit anxiety can be and sometimes you just want to vent without ‘helpful’ strangers ‘fixing’ all your woes

  4. Laura

    Well done for pushing yourself and actually going. You recognised the symptoms before you even arrived but you still went and stuck it out for a while. That doesn’t make you a failure – you tried. I can empathise with this because dropping my son off at preschool is always a bit of a trigger for me too. No logical reason. I just randomly got a bit of an anxiety attack while waiting for the gates to open one time and since then I kind of always associate it with a ‘danger’ place. But I can’t avoid taking him there and I have found it has improved slightly so I’m confident you’ll get there Ally.

    Good luck, anxiety sucks but you can overcome it x

    1. Ally Post author

      I am absolutely dreading the times when I have to take him and leave him. I’m trying him in nursery in September, I’m so terrified.I know it’s my trigger because of the bullying I went though at school; I’m tso scared of him going through the same x x

  5. Jess @ Catch A Single Thought

    Anxiety sucks. Amazing that you went and gave it a go…I know from personal experience how hard that can be in the first place xx

    1. Ally Post author

      Thank you. It was tough but I made a full session today after falling apart yesterday, I’m classing that as an uber achievement! x

    1. Ally Post author

      He mixes with the same children though, I have to get him used to others! I’m so frustrated with myself for projecting my fears onto him! I went to another playgroup today though, I’m determined to overcome it xx

  6. Dragon Stuff

    Your a tough nut Ally. I know it knocked you for six, but I also know you will get up, take J to playgroup and kick that anxiety im the arse Xx

    1. Ally Post author

      Thank you! I’m so glad I managed to conquer it again the next day! You’re always so supportive, thank you, it means a lot xxx

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