I’ve been seeing a new guy and I’m having a great time with him. Its going great, until my insecurities creep in… I didn’t realise the full impact my previous relationship has had on me until now and I can’t pretend I’m not scared, I think it’s going to take me longer than I thought to get over it.
After coming out of the previous relationship my confidence has been shattered. I remember all the bad things said to me; comments about my weight and how I dress, how when I dressed up my best I never looked more than ‘alright’, how I’m a nutter and crazy, a c*nt… And it all comes back to me, the feeling of being inadequate and worthless. He once told me he could do better than me, since then I’ve not been able to look at other women without worrying about what they have that I haven’t, and I’m still doing it.
I don’t feel ‘normal’ anymore. Despite probably being the most stable I’ve been in my mental state for a years, my confidence is at an all time low. I can’t help but think that it won’t be long before this guy realises he can do better. One of the last things my ex said to me was that this guy will run a mile when he sees how mental I am. My head can’t get rid of that, what if it’s true?
It took me years to get my confidence back and I feel like I’m starting at the beginning again. I wish I could stop crying through self loathing, but as soon as I’m on my own and have time to think, it all comes flooding back and his words play over and over.
I just hope one day I can regain that self-esteem that I’ve lost. I don’t want this to have a lasting impact on my life, I want to be able to like myself one day and not let someone else’s thoughts of me dictate my own thoughts.