So I’ve had a bit of an epiphany and thought it was worth sharing with anyone who might still check on my blog from time to time!! It’s one I think everyone with mental health problems might relate to, and one that many of you might not have already realised. I actually feel a little silly having only just realised it myself after suffering at the hands of my own head for so long. But here goes…
It’s not always your fault, other people can be to blame for their dickishness behaviour too.
See, it’s that simple! I’ll tell you what it is that’s made me come to this conclusion….
For years I’ve gone through the most horrendous bouts of self-doubt and self-loathing. Whenever something goes wrong or someone is unhappy, I always look at my part in it and no matter what the issue is, I always bring it back to me and how I’ve messed up, how everyone hates me, how I’m a horrible person. Its hard going, I still have these blips even when there isn’t a trigger for them, I just find myself questioning everything about myself.
But today something inside me has changed, like a light has come on. Sometimes I am made to feel like crap, not because I deserve it, or because I’ve done something wrong, but sometimes it just happens because… wait for it… other people can be in the wrong.
Wow, huge deal, I know right? I shocked myself when I had this epiphany. If they are wrong does that actually mean I could be right? Whoa, hang on, I’m scaring myself here, lets just deal with the fact that they can be wrong…
It’s true though. Other people can lie, manipulate, be selfish, or sometimes just be plain mean. That is a reflection on them more than it is you. People have said this to me for years but I’ve never quite believed it, but today I see it’s true.
Don’t get me wrong, you won’t find me walking around with my head held high or anything, you will still hear me apologise for every little thing that happens because my brain is in auto self-destruct, but hopefully that little voice I’m hearing now telling me that I haven’t done anything wrong will get a little louder as time goes on.